Alan Costello

Today represents the four-year anniversary of my Father’s death, it simultaneously feels like it has been longer and shorter, it’s a very bizarre feeling, I still remember each detail of the week that followed it, though that’s another blog post for another day.

Today more so seems to be a day of reflection, on how much I not only miss him, but how much I’ve changed, how the boy has become a man, how I’m a different man that I would have been.

A lot of things have happened since his death, and because of his death, some bad and some good, none worth the loss, but some that definitely made it easier, there are still people that need to be thanked again, some still waiting for the day I’ll finally need that shoulder to cry on, spare room to curl up in, or even just for me to come to terms with it.

The fact is though, I think I came to terms with it the moment it happened, so is the way of my life, possibly unfortunately, possibly luckily, my life has always been full of constant change, both drastic and mediocre, where I live, learn and work is always changing, friends and lovers come and go, hobbies/obsessions fade and appear, and my very appearance can reflect certain times in my life and what I’m dealing with.

I’ve always been one for massive associations between seemingly random things, my hair style can often represent a time period in my life(The wind-swept look representing a realisation of who I am, the brown spikes my cadaverous repose on a world too painful that needed a drastic change, or the current cropped blonde representing the true happiness I’ve been feeling for the first time in a very long time). A similar thing exists between my mind and music, it’s been described as a form of synesthesia, where many songs and pieces can represent not only times and places, but can also evoke powerful emotions(as an example, Evening Prayer represents a deep sadness but also a certain strength as well as representing the week of my Father’s funeral, Elliot Minor’s Jessica represents Summer 2008 and my month long stint in Toronto, while listening to Snow Patrol’s Run evokes a large amount of anger for reasons not to be shared through this medium).

Truth be told there’s a lot of random things about me, a lot I have chosen not to share, some things not even my most trusted friends know, but I think that will change soon, the last few months have thought me the true value of honesty, complete honesty, and how important it is, there are stories to tell, there are reasons I am who I am, and I do what I do, some I’ve had to deal with on my own, some I shouldn’t have dealt with on my own, but here I am, hopefully the better for it, hopefully prepared to be honest.

With one week of lectures left in college, I’m forced to reflect on my year, and as many outgoing first years will say, where the hell it went.

I’ve done a lot in my year, I definitely learned a lot, not only in the field of science, but also about myself, and while this may seem like your typical freedom/maturity/coming of age story, maybe it is, but for me it was a lot more.

I got out of secondary, the confined, traditional institution that it was(at least for me), and into University, somewhere I could truly be myself, and do what I want.

I had my 22 hours a week in lectures, labs and tutorials, but beyond that I was First Year Rep. of a Society which I am now President-Elect of, I became a soloist for the Gospel Choir, I sat my first college exams(which I got through ok, thankfully), and fell in and out of love like any other Fresher.

I made and reconnected with friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and even had the odd rival or two(albeit all in good cheer).

But in all that I did, I still feel as if I could have done more, could have been active in more societies, made even more friends, could have went out more(studied more), wrote more for assignments and even ask more questions, but I still look back on my year, my achievements, with a happiness inside me, I still did a lot, at least more than some others in my position have done.

And I still, as always, reflect on my absolute tendency to procrastinate, here I am on an otherwise dead blog, as I did last year before the Leaving Cert, blogging for the sake of it, I did not intend on writing this, nor do I ever really, it just happens, hopefully it sometimes amounts to something, though I fear not. I should be studying, but instead I write, maybe I could pass it off if I was an English student, but alas I am not, merely a scientist who needs to know his formulas, not be capable of cognitive intellectual thought(though possibly I could write it off as analysis, God knows I have a lot of that to do).

Rambling aside, I had a fantastic First Year in University, and I await Second Year with open arms, wether it be in NUIM, UCM or even UM, you’ll still be able to find me in Maynooth.

Until later, internet.

This week is Pride Week in Maynooth, and as tradition goes we’re holding ANTM(Alternative Next Top Model) on Thursday night, I am going as Teddy Grinds, Jedward’s older(talented) brother, just thought you might all want to know this, and maybe get a gander.

“Now the party’s over, and everybody’s gone, I’m left here with myself, and I wonder what went wrong.

And now my heart is broken, like the bottles on the floor, does it really matter? Or am I just hung over you?”

~Kesha

With a looming tower of  books, notes and lab copies sitting beside me on my desk, and an ever bigger looming task coming in a few days, my First Year Exams, I’ve decided this is not a time for study, but my return to blogging, with 5 exams in the next two weeks, and no college till February 1st, I don’t see why I can’t knock out a few posts between now and then(even with my previous promises I was back).

I’ve a few posts in Drafts I’ve been meaning to send out to the Interwebs for a while now, hopefully you’ll all see them soon, I kinda want to move away from the ‘This is me, this is what I did last month’ blog this has become, not saying I’ll be the new source for all your latest News, Sport & Entertainment™, but I can sure as hell try to give you a giggle, a thought, or maybe even inspiration for a post of your own, given how blogging apparently isn’t over anymore.

To start the ball rolling… Maybe a nice little book review?

On possibly one of my favourite books of all time: Carol Leifer’s ‘When You Lie About Your Age, The Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror’

To fully understand Carol, and the book itself, I think I’ll give you a little history on her, now in  her 50′s Carol was born into a Jewish family, and had a very normal life(albeit it as a comedienne), she was briefly married, and appeared on The Seinfeld Show several times, when in her 40′s, Leifer realised she was in fact a Lesbian, and has been living with her partner for several years now, her comedy is usually based on her upbringing and sexuality.

The book is broken into a series of pseudo-articles based on different topics and with intriguing titles, including ‘Fighting For Your Fake Tits’ and ‘Creating A Jew’, not to mention the ‘Surprise!’ article that deals with her mid-life crisis and her then-latent Lesbianism, it’s an interesting way to write a book and it works incredibly well, with no definitive beginning and ending, it’s a great one to just pick up and read when life, the internet, or even the weather, bores you.

Carol shows a stark honesty, as well as a brilliant comical wit in her book, broaching topics from Pets to Parenting, Menopause to Aging and even the unfortunate death of a Parent, it also serves as a wonderful guide for younger women as to what’s next in their life, and even to men as to what to expect in women.

As Carol once said in an interview with PETA, on becoming vegan:

“I recently became vegan because I felt that as a Jewish lesbian, I wasn’t part of a small enough minority. So now I’m a Jewish lesbian vegan.”

Having created her own niche Carol is definitely exploiting her almost unique standpoint and outlook on life, not only does that quote portray her comedic genius, but is also a good general idea of the content of the book.

I’m trying not to give away much of the book as frankly I laughed, smiled and even cried reading this cover to cover, it’s such a well written piece and I sincerely recommend you read it.

So what’s been going on? Well, I turned 18, have been doing the whole college thing, and what probably explains my absence, my Granda had a stroke.

The day before my Birthday(Wednesday the 4th) I was in College about to go to a lecture when I got a phonecall that my Granda was in Hospital and that I’d be picked up in 10 minutes.

I proceeded to go to the Hospital to find him in a bed, in a coma. He came out of the coma after a few hours and was left unable to talk, walk, or move his right side.

Things took a turn for the worst when on the following Monday night we were told he developed Pneumonia and wasn’t expected to make it through the next 24 hours, expectantly we rushed to the Hospital and spent the next while with him, when he showed some small signs of improvement we all breathed a collective sigh of relief, ever since then he’s been improving.

Over three weeks later he’s pretty much in the same state, though today, in a completely unexpected and inspiring turn of events he managed to say the word ‘no’ when we asked him a question(Up until now he was only able to nod or shake his head to answer). It completely took us by surprise and moved my Granny to tears as she feared she’d never hear her loving Husband’s voice again.

He’s still there, and even if he’s unable to move his right side he’s still my Granda, and he still retains all his mannerisms, wether it’s his rubbing of his forehead or our signature high-five we’ve always done, he even managed to bust out a wink at me last week, which literally made my heart melt, and assured to me that he was in there, somewhere.

The immortal Coco Chanel once said:

“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.”

Unfortunately I’ve had to spend time, not beating, but waiting, on the wall to transform…and it’s finally about to.

In just under two weeks(the 5th of November) I turn 18, it may only represent a digit but it also represents a milestone.

I’ll finally be an ‘adult’ in the eyes of the law, while I may have considered myself to be one for a while now, the privileges that come the with digits are bountiful, I can *finally* make major decisions for myself with nobody else able to decide what they think best for me.

18 ushers in a time of change, not just Credit Cards and a lack of Permission Slips, I could move out and start my own life, I could(if I wanted) buy alcohol and cigarettes legally, I could do a lot of things…

But it’s the small things that’ll make the most difference, I don’t have to worry about getting ID’d going into places, I don’t have to get things approved by my Mother to do them, and I can finally do what I want to do.

It’s a great feeling, freedom, and I haven’t even truly attained it yet…Roll on November 5th.

Sitting outside the Computer Science labs on one of the college’s many PC’s(There’s two Mac rooms, but they’re only for Post Grads )

I handed in my first assignment today, it was a weird feeling, I’ve got my Chemistry lab in an hour or so and that should round off my second week in college.

It’s been an amazing time so far I have to admit, made loads of friends(and reconnected with plenty too), joined far too many clubs and socities, and have been to the pubs and clubs too

I really do think Maynooth is unlike and other university, it’s labeled as Ireland’s only ‘University Town’ and I think that’s very true, the students in the college outnumber the regular residents of the town, so I don’t think they’d be able to get away with no liking us…

There’s a brilliant sense of friendship here too, especially with all the clubs and socs. Last night was the first practice of the Gospel Choir, and even there made a ridiculous amount of friends…

All in all pretty brilliant…

Normal posting will resume soon once I get back into the swing of things…

…that  fashion is detrimental to society

Today concluded my first proper day of college lectures, it was a strangely satisfying, enriching, and awe-inducing day, as well as causing a realisation of how little each of us really matter as we progress through life.

Coming from 6th year, where we’ve been in a school for 5/6 years, and are the most senior students (usually carrying the highest levels of respect a student can hope to achieve), we go to a place where although we have the utmost respect, we also have a lack of seniority, and yet, it really doesn’t seem to matter. We’re now adults, and that’s all that seems to matter.

One of the “My God” moments, at least for me, was when you remember that there’s nobody there to look over you to make sure you’re in your lectures, nobody calling home to the parents, nobody going around checking you’ve done your work, the fact is that it’s all down to me, I’m the one that needs to be looking over my own shoulder, making sure I’m up and in my lectures and making sure I get my assignments done and submitted in time.

It’s kinda scary when you go from being the big fish in a little pond to a tadpole in the ocean.